Found It

to make myself feel worse, i came across everything abby said to me.

Laura,
im not mad at you because youre suicidal, so get that out of your head.
im not taking 'my anger out on you', im letting out the anger that ive had towards you for awhile.
i want you to be happy, but the fact that you disregard everyone except yourself, and then not take your pills, or do something 'drastic', like not pulling your sleeves down. thats the shit i dont like. so dont play this whole 'dont be mad at little old me' card. youve been manipulating people, using them, and shutting people out.
my reasons for being angry are justifiable, and no one can tell me otherwise.
stop acting like a victim of depression. we've all been there, but we're not dragging people into it or purposely making others worry. just seriously, if you cant understand that you did some damage, then don't even reply, because obviously this will be some never-ending dispute.
i want the best for you, but im done sticking my neck out and getting ignored and shot down.
i told you before everything you have to live for and you attempted suicide. im done trying to help you. im detaching.
what more do you even want?
how the fuck am i supposed to handle people like that?
also, again how am i supposed to determine your suicidal 'urges' from real suicide. i mean, if i had ignored all the things youve said and done about you wanting to kill yourself, youd criticize me for not caring.
so either way im doing it wrong in your eyes.

first off,
i didn't run off with sam.
and the fact that i met her through you doesnt even matter.except for the fact that youre jealous whenever sam is around anyone. you even told me you hate it when shes around other girls
so you dont think i stuck my neck out for you? so i never cared enough?
i always ask whats wrong and you put on a pouty face and say nothing. and thats where it all stops. if you really wanted me to believe that there was nothing wrong, youd make it more believable. you want people to know youre in pain, not for a cry for help but a cry for attention.
and sleeves? when you bring the blade down, you make the choice to sweat your balls off. otherwise, people notice and worry. you know that. i know that. everyone knows that. and another thing about scars and if you have a really bad habit about it, is that there are ways to conceal them. scratching them up to your hand or your wrist, well of coarse people are going to see them if your sleeves are up.
and yes, i do dislike the way you cope.
your idea of coping is :
creating the problem
shutting people out
bringing them in again
and acting like an emo bitch
also,
youre a cheater
you think nathan feels just dandy when you say things like "i miss sam. i love sam" to him? whether you realize it or not, it does hurt him, hes just to afraid to tell you because he thinks you'll kill yourself. everyone, including me up until now, has been afraid to tell you shit, because you over react. example: when i told you at lunch everything you have to live for and you just left and then later said that nathan saved your life from overdosing. and that night? you went to fucking work.
as for sam, you have done damage.
she loved you immensely and you just went off with nathan, while simultaneously trying to get with sam. you do not deserve to hold her hand. you do not deserve her love. you do not deserve sam.
nathan is obviously going to stick with you through thick and thin, so youre really blessed.
why is it that you would call nathan when you were about to commit suicide? to worry him? or because you knew that he would put up with that shit?

oh and you "dont want people to care because it would make everything you do alot easier"?
easier for you to self-destruct?
well have fun, bitch.
because youre losing people who care about you right now so we can make it easier for you. because im done standing by watching this.

sam does not shut people out.
she distances herself from getting hurt.
you ignore people so that you can hurt them. example: in your photography class where you wouldnt talk or even respond to a hug. you just sat there.
ive seen you do it a million times since i met you.

and borderline personality disorder?
it does not excuse the things you do
my mother has it.
hell, i probably have it.
but you cant blame your bitchy attitude on a personality disorder. much to your disliking, you have control over your actions.
i remember you asking me, "dont you wish you had real problems so that you could feel the way you do?" no. i had reasons to feel like shit, and i didnt wish for shit to happen to me.

and that whole shit about you being raped or whatever? or that you think you were raped? i dont know if thats true and neither do you.
i feel like you just look for things to make yourself 'more interesting' when really they just make you a shitty person.
lets see:

sam had bulimia and anorexia and has ocd and is bipolar. and for while shes out of school she starts having panic attacks

laura. she goes through a bulimia/anorexia stage in her life, out of the blue, cant touch doorknobs and aligns things by color, and changes her moods from week to week. and about after you found out that sam was having frequent panic attacks, you supposedly did too.

also, if you ever even really cared about our friendship, why did you sit by while i self-destructed? why did you enable me to take pills and shit or binge? on my part, i apologize for never taking any action to get you help, because i knew you were already seeing a psych. but it was almost like you were okay with it. you wanted people to be as miserable as you.

im above that immature shit now and i didnt need a perfect boyfriend to do that either. i just realized how much time i had wasted and how much better i could feel if i let others help me.

i hope one day you stop self destructing.
i hope one day you stop using people.
i hope one day you realize how dumb all of this was and how many years of your life youve spent being miserable.

ive done enough to try and help you. and im still not even sure if you think i helped or not. but i did. im not going to come over every time you want to kill yourself like nathan does.
being suicidal doesnt make you an interesting person. it makes you selfish
if you want to go to laurelwood or something, i think that would be amazing.
but i know you wont want to, because youre pretty satisfied with how shitty everything is right now.
this is done
we're never going to agree.
i have no problem with you saying anything to my face.
bye.

another thing,
another example of getting attention,
is telling facebook your problems.
threatening to delete friends really?
you dont even care about your 'friendship' with me. you just care that you lost sam.
and im sure posting your new da account to your facebook, wont make anything public.
your attempts at trying to make people feel guilty for not being your friend is just another example of how shitty you are to people.
------------------------------------------------
yeah.
well, i'm a shitty person.
my heart fucking hurts.

You've Gone Away

...
pushed everyone away
and now i can't seem to find my place
wishing for the things
that are completely empty, gone, and out of reach
coming back to me
is never easy
but i'll beg you nice from my knees
--------------
anyway, whatever.
i have been happy. but not because of my medicine
and my doctor doesn't need to know that.
i cannot wait until my fucking milligram scale comes in.
and the drugs, too.
all legal, of course.
i don't effing care about anything but getting high.
i will do it alone
and drag no one with me, unless they want to come.
but even then, i'd feel so responsible if something bad happened.
i've done my research and i'm ready to take the risk.
if i die, so what.
highhighhighhighhigh.
honestly, can't get it off my mind.
and i have absolutely no one to talk to about it.
my docs will scold me for wanting to
and everyone else i know are legal, nondruggies.
although, i will be doing nothing illegal..
but whatever.
no time to rant more...